How Sarver Stole Christmas (and winning)

Every Suns fan on Brightside liked winning a lot
But the owner, and his front office, did NOT!

Sarver hated winning! The whole winning concept!
He wanted to lose, Babby wasn't just inept.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be he really enjoyed the fans plight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his wallet was two sizes too small.

But whatever the reason, his wallet or head,
He stood there on Christmas Eve with losing to spread.
Staring down from his mansion he thought that he might
Just ruin the holiday on Christmas Eve night.
For he knew the Brightsiders felt that losing stings
And were dreaming of NBA championship rings.

"And they're hoping for trophies!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his banker fists nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep winning from coming!"
For, the rest of the season, he knew...

...All the Brightsiders would be at the arena.

They'd cheer for the Suns! The orange and purple boys!

Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

Then the Brightsiders would visit their site
And they'd write! And they'd write!
They would start in the morning and write through the night
Which Sarver would prevent with all of his might!

They'd do something he liked least of all!
They'd expect the Suns to play winning basketball.
They'd expect the Suns win and then they'd start blogging!

They'd blog! And they'd blog!
And the more Sarver thought of the Brightsider site,
The more Sarver thought, "I must stop this tonight!"
"Why for nine whole seasons I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop the winning from coming!"
"...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" Sarver laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a devious trick!"
"I will make the Suns lose but look just like Saint Nick!"

"All I need is a Beasley..."
Sarver looked around.
Beasley's talent is scarce, there is none to be found.
Did that stop the banker...?
It did certainly not
"I can waiver claim Scola and see what he's got!"
So he called on Lon Babby and told him the news
I hired you so you could make the Suns lose.

He loaded the roster
With role playing hacks
As he simply refused
To give Harden the max.

Then Sarver said, "Babby!"
"Get us started down"
"A slippery slope"

"Headed to loser town."

Loser town was home to teams like the Kings.
It was a barren place that was devoid of rings,
Bereft of the joy that a winning team brings.
"This is the Suns new home," The old Sarver Claus hissed
With a tight wad of money clenched in his right fist.

Then he needed a cannon, so he re-signed Brown
Who had a skillset perfect for loser town.
Then Brown took a shot, and then he took two
Because Brown will never give the ball back to you.
Brightsiders thought sharing helped the team flow.
"Assists," Sarver grinned, "are the first things to go!"

And Babby did well for his his anti-win boss
Sarver took satisfaction in every Suns loss!
Sarver got angry when the Suns beat the Cavs!
He guaranteed satisfaction for a game with the Mavs!
But he knew the Suns chances of winning were slim
And the only one satisfied ended up being him!

Through the month of December he stole Christmas spirit,
The fans clamored for wins but he just wouldn't hear it!
He pondered some plans to gut the whole roster.
A losing tradition even further he'd foster!

Then he gathered up losses with a sadistic glee.
"And NOW!" he said, "I will stuff them under their tree!"

So he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, not knowing what to say,
It was DIM who joined up three years ago this day.

Sarver had been caught by a loyal Brightsider
Whose passion for the Suns burned brightly inside her
She stared at Sarver and said, "Sarver Claus, why,"
"Do the Suns keep on losing? WHY?"

But, you know, that Sarver was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the Suns owner lied,
"It's my mission in life to win for the Brightside."
"So I'm not taking wins, these aren't losses at all."
"I'm creating cap space to be better next fall."

And his fib fooled the girl. Then he patted her head,
He gave her a retro jersey and sent her to bed.
And when DIM went to bed with her new black Suns shirt,
Sarver stuffed more losses underneath the tree skirt!

Then the last thing he took
Was all the fans passion.
He was sure that he'd make all the Brightsiders frown.
With their brand new address smack dab in loser town.

And the one speck of hope
That was left on the site
He snatched up just like a thief in the night.

He did the same thing
To each other member

Leaving losses
Instead of the wins
They remember!

A third through the season...
It was Christmas day.
Brightsiders, still hoped
For improved Suns play
But Sarver and Babby had constructed a team
That seemed sure to destroy every Brightsider's dream!

Back at the USAC Sarver patiently waited
To see all the mayhem that he had created.
"Pooh-pooh to the fans!" Sarver was humming.
"They're finding out now that no winning is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two"
"Then all the Brightsiders will all cry BOO-HOO!"

"That's a noise," grinned Sarver,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And Sarver put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up from below
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
It wasn't sad at all!
The fans actually cheered!
And for Suns basketball?!?!

He stared down at loser town!
Then Sarver popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Brightsider still loved Suns basketball,
He hadn't destroyed their team spirit at all!
He HADN'T stopped ALL the fans from coming!
Somehow or other, they came just the same!

Sarver scratched his head, for he just didn't know
And stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"They came without playoffs! They came without stars!"
"They came without wins to this great site of ours!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Sarver thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe fandom," he thought, "isn't measured by score."
"Maybe cheering for the Suns means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well...on Brightside they say
That Sarver's small wallet
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his wallet didn't feel quite so tight,
He empathized with all of the Suns fan's plight
And he brought back the playoffs, to repent for his sins!
And he...

Sarver brought back the wins!
~Jim Coughenour

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We here at the great Bright Side of the Sun like to celebrate the joys of the Phoenix Suns and commiserate over their misfortune.

We often prop each other up, and occasionally knock each other down. But it's sibling-style knocks and props around these here parts. Each prop up is tinged with a bit a of sarcasm and short-lived back-patting. Each knock down is done without malice, just meant as an impassioned argument with one we take for granted will be there tomorrow regardless.

We have a great community here at Bright Side, one that I cherish even while buried in "family time" out here in the real world. Thank you for giving me a forum for my Suns voice for the past few years, and I hope for years to come. I love you guys.

As I sit here in my pajamas, waiting for my visiting parents to awaken so we can go see my niece (the only one left who believes in the fat red guy flying all over the world in a single night) revel in what Santa brought her, I am reflective of my life as a Suns fan.

Ghosts of Christmas Past

I remember Christmas Day a few years ago when Suns vs. Spurs was still the top-billed game of the day. The Suns hosted the Spurs on that day, boasting the great Shaquille O'Neal at center, Amare Stoudemire at PF, Steve Nash at PG and Grant Hill at SF.

The Suns had just shipped Boris Diaw and Raja Bell to Charlotte for Jason Richardson and Jared Dudley. Neither player made a huge impact that season, though Richardson started at SG the whole season.

The Suns fought hard to win and had the game in hand with a 2-pointer from Grant Hill with mere seconds left. One defensive stand would seal the victory.

The crowd was rocking. We cheered throughout the timeout and the next Spurs possession. Grant Hill had the chance to score the winning bucket AND get the winning stop.

But then Tony Parker drove against Grant, sucked in the defense of Jason Richardson off of Roger Mason in the corner and flipped the ball to Mason for buzzer-beating 3-pointer to win the game by 1.

The crowd was rocking, but as the ball swished the net all 19,023 people went dead silent at the same time. You could have heard a pin drop.

F-ing Spurs.

Shaquille O'Neal tossed the post-game buffet. The team was devastated, and proceeded to lose a bunch of games while freezing out Terry Porter and getting him fired.

Ghosts of Christmas Present

Ghosts are the only thing you'd see in US Airways Center today because the Suns are no longer relevant enough to interrupt their family day with a nationally-televised game.

Robert Sarver is sleeping in, likely wondering what happened to his ticket sales and... well, I have no idea what Robert is thinking today. He can't be happy with the current state of events, nor can he be thrilled with the prospect of adding a ton of payroll again unless it's a sure-fire return to glory.

Bah humbug.

Ghosts of Christmas Future

Maybe Robert is envisioning a great future for the Suns, but it is unclear what "great" means to him. He thoroughly enjoyed the Phoenix Mercury's championships over the last several years, and I know he is a competitive guy who wants his team to win. He still attends all Suns games too.

Hopefully, someone visits him today to show him the grave of the Suns future unless the tide is turned and momentum is shifted. The Suns need a star or two or three in a BIG way.

Let's hope Robert's Christmas is a filled distaste for his empty arena and a resolve to rectify the situation very quickly.

In the meantime, let's enjoy the lives we have and recognize that misery does love company so we all really do love each other. A lot.

Happy, whatever-you-celebrate, Suns fans!


When all the dust settled last night the glaring tone of the game ended up being technical fouls. Two in particular as Phoenix Suns Head Coach Alvin Gentry was ejected in the first half. Did he do enough to get called for a T? Yes, but that quick trigger ejection was rather Grinch like less than 48 hours before Christmas.

"First of all I told the team I had to apologize," said Gentry after the game. "I have to do a better job of keeping my cool in that situation right there."

Here is the full article on SB Nation Arizona.

PHOENIX — It was hard to believe by the end of the ballgame, but midway through the second quarter the Suns trailed the Los Angeles Clippers by a mere three points. That’s when Chris Paul...

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The game started with Luis Scola attacking the basket on offense and playing his usual matador defense. The Suns and Clippers traded blows in the early part of the quarter, which was played at a fairly frenetic pace. The Clippers closed the quarter on a 14-6 run, to lead 28-24, thanks to an atrocious display of transition defense by Phoenix. The Suns may have been lucky to be down only four, as the Clippers missed a couple wide open opportunities at the end of the period. Chris Paul, 12 points and five assists, and Blake Griffin, eight points and three rebounds, led the way for LA. Marcin Gortat and Scola had eight apiece for the Suns.

The physicality stepped up a bit in the second quarter as the Suns seemed to take the position that a more truculent effort was necessary to stay in the game. A playful skirmish between Jermaine O'Neal and Ronny Turiaf resulted in double technical fouls with the Clippers leading 42-38. Then Gentry got tossed at the 2:33 mark, with the Clippers leading 50-42, drawing two technical fouls arguing a questionable call against Chris Paul on Goran Dragic. The Clippers finished the half on an 8-1 run after that to take a 58-43 lead into halftime. Meltdown.

Chris Paul led all scorers in the first half with 16 points to go along with six assists and four steals. Gortat had eight points and seven rebounds for the Suns. The Clippers shot 53.5% in the first half on 23-43 from the field. The defensive woes continue... The Suns played well enough on offense to be in the game, but their defense, transition D in particular, sabotaged their chances of staying in the game.

The third quarter was a massacre. The Suns were pillaged and plundered. Elston Turner tried valiantly to stem the tide, but to no avail, as LA won the period 33-17. Blake Griffin finished the quarter with 23 points and 11 rebounds. Chris Paul had 17 points, 13 assists and five steals. Jamal Crawford scored eight points in a 1:21 stretch to give him 22 points on the game. The Clippers increased their prodigious shooting to 58.6%, including 62.5% (10-16) from three point range. The Suns were... no comment.

The fourth quarter was garbage time. Final score Clippers 103, Suns 77.


Player of the Game:

Pick a Clipper, any Clipper. I guess we could play paper, rock, scissors to determine who gets it between Griffin, Paul and Crawford. Dudley looked like he was playing hard, and had 19 points and seven rebounds, so I guess I'd pick him as the "best" Sun.


Comments of the Game:

If only we still had Taylor Griffin to guard his brother.


Brown is in full throttle bomber mode.


Beasley is out with an illness?

Can "sucks" be defined as an illness?


As bad as the officiating has been,

most of this has been self-inflicted. Our offensive set looks like that of a kindergarten's.


Trying SOOOOO hard to add excitement.

This pig can't take any more lipstick!


Rewatched it.

Flop. This is a physical game, of our instigating, and Dragic cried pointlessly IMHO. Man up!


Suns cannot get stops, story of the game.

Sh$@, story of most of the season.


This game is a crime against entertainment.


The Good:

The Suns managed not to get beat by 40. That's all I got.


The Bad:

Goran in early foul trouble again. This has become an epidemic. He then proceeded to finish with 7 points (2-8 from the field), ONE assist and three turnovers in 29 minutes. If this whole game hadn't turned into such an embarrassing imbroglio he would be right in the middle of the ugly column. Compared to the rest of the savage ass whipping, Goran fit right in. A disturbing pattern of Dragic getting owned by opposing point guards seems to be more than an anamoly.

Shannon "the Cannon" Brown. He's the guard version of Luis Scola, only much more selfish and slightly more useless when he's not contributing on offense. Watching him play when he's not shooting well is actually physically painful. When a player takes 13 shots, he typically has more made field goals than turnovers, but Brown the trendsetter has never been known to settle for the norm.

Gentry and the Suns let the officiating get in their heads. Right or wrong, and there were definitely some "suspect" calls, as soon as they became querulous they became frazzled and the game was effectively over.

I could go on, but I'm calling it an early night. Just like the Suns did.


The Ugly:

The entire game from the time Gentry got ejected. That was definitively the defining moment in which the game was absolutely over. I don't know that I'd assert that the Suns actually quit, but they seemed discomfited from that point on and couldn't regain their equanimity. It also doesn't help that the Clippers are a much better team.


I guess it's another one to throw in the garbage and forget about, but it seems like the garbage can is getting full.

The Suns may not be very good, but they can't annul my Christmas spirit.

Merry Christmas Brightsiders! Catch you on the flipside of the holiday.

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