When the NBA lockout finally comes to an end (be it tomorrow, Christmas Day, or June 30, 2012) every team with playoff hopes will have to ask itself, “What is our team identity?” For the Suns,...

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Why are lawyers so dang smart?(AP Photo/Jim Mone, File)

Evidently the dockets in Minnesota are less cramped than those in New York and California. On Monday, the players consolidated all of their lawsuits in the big MN.

The sides have not communicated since the talks fell apart and the players union disbanded Nov. 14.

Yet that hasn't stopped the suits from sniping at one another from afar, which of course does little but increase the rancor of the two sides (kind of the opposite of illustrating the hope for an agreement, no?)  The whole article from USA Today can be found here.  But here's a short summary along with some witty commentary:


Rick Buchanan, NBA Executive Vice President and General Counsel (Savagely):


"We assume that Mr. Boies was not happy with either the reassignment of the case from Oakland to San Francisco or the fact that the new judge scheduled the first conference for March 2012...This is consistent with Mr. Boies' inappropriate shopping for a forum that he can only hope will be friendlier to his baseless legal claims."

Ouch, Rick but you only sound like an angry man forced to do more paperwork.

David Boies

"Talking it through … we thought things would move faster in Minnesota. The docket is less congested there."

Do you all hear me? I want to resolve this-for the fans. Quickly!

And further:

"They've made pretty clear they (the league) have no interest in talking to us. … I thought this was a case we ought to try and resolve"

Can't we all just get along?

David Boies (Lawyer's humor)

 "One of the good things about lawsuits: I know I'm going to hear from them in about three weeks," (meaning the 21 days the league has to respond to the filing.)

Bahahaahahahahaha...Attaboy, Davie, yer killin' me over here!

And lastly, to prove that he and his clients are the good guys, check this one out:

"Eventually, people come to the realization that litigation is not the best way to resolve most disputes...Most disputes ought to be settled. Trying a lawsuit is fun to lawyers. It's our form of competition. But it's not good for the system. It's generally not good for client, if there's an alternative...This was the last resort for players."

Last resort for the players? Did they not have a chance to accept an offer before all of this?

And if you think there was a PR battle before, the one in which the object was to win the hearts and minds of us fans, just you wait, my friends. Mr. Boies is playing victim here, and if we aren't careful we could fall for it. It takes two to rumble, and Boies wins even if he loses. Anyone know his hourly rate?

Former Phoenix Suns forward and current emcee Cedric Ceballos suffered “a series of small heart attacks” on Sunday that has left him hospitalized in Phoenix, according to a release from...

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That’s the question we will all have to ponder if the NBA lockout wipes out the 2011-12 season and along with it the final year of Steve Nash’s Phoenix Suns contract. Ever since Amare...

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"We're trapped in the bottom of this 40 foot hole!"

"But at least we found the treasure!" 

The hinges creak as the lid of the treasure chest is forced open.  Gold, silver, and jewels spill out, overflowing the chest and gleaming in the torchlight.

"Oh my! This must be worth over 4 billion gold pieces!  We're rich beyond our wildest dreams!"

"All we have to do is climb up, lower a rope, tie it to the treasure chest, and pull it up, and we can live like kings for the rest of our days!"

"We're going to have to work together to get up without a rope.  If we stand back to back-- like this-- and link our elbows-- together, yeah, that's it-- we can climb up together.  Put one foot on the wall-- there.  Now I'll do the same."

"Yeah!  There we go!  Another foot, up! Unh. Yes, it's working!"

"Back to back, arm in arm, we can make it out of here!"

"Unh.  Keep climbing.  A little more.  Unh."

"Getting closer.  Then we can just lower my rope, haul it up, and split the 4 billion!"

"Yeah!  Unh. Who gets to keep the rope after we split everything?"

"Whaddya mean, 'Who gets to keep the rope?'  Unh. It's my rope.  I'll keep the rope."

"No way!  That's not fair!  What about the middle class?! We should cut it in two!"

"I'm keeping the rope!  And the padlock we busted off the chest, too!  Take it, or leave it!  And any lint I find in the lining of the chest!  OR THERE'S NO DEAL!"

"YEAH?!  Well, I have a bundle of dynamite here, and I'm lighting it right now--"

"Don't let go! Whadder you doing? We're gonna FALL!"

"--and dropping it down the hole, so you better change your nasty tone when you're talking to me, and give me--"


Both men fall in, the hole collapses, and they are totally buried, and no one ever remembers that they existed.

The End


* But, fortunately, a team of lawyers arrives and, after years and years of arguing about the correct length of shovel to use, and the proper dimensions of the scaffolding and support timbers, they rescue some of the gold, which they keep for themselves.  yippee. *

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