What's up homies. How did everyone cope with missing our home-opener last night due to the lockout? I don't know about you guys but I'm living life on the edge now that we're missing games... I binged on leftover Hot n' Ready Little Caesar Pizza and warm Mountain Dew while I stayed up till 3 AM watching Storage Wars and American Hoggers, all while wearing my Grant Hill jersey and two Gorilla costume gloves.
Anyways - I guess we have some semi-Suns related news to discuss.
Former NBA journeyman and Phoenix Suns BIG-man (haha) Oliver Miller plead guilty this week to first degree Assault and carrying a handgun and will more than likely serve some time in prison.
This isn't good news... but what news is good news when it comes to the NBA these days? More details and some other goodies about Nash and whatnot after the jump. Jump it foolios.
Here's a quick disclaimer - I don't mean to make light of serious issues, especially when people commit serious crimes and especially when people get hurt... and it's not funny at all that we hear of so many former professional athletes getting in trouble fo.... Ah what am I saying!? Of course I'm going to poke fun at this - you want the serious stuff? Go listen to NPR. Or read this.
So here's my partly fictional, partly science-fictional, a little bit of truth breakdown of what happened . Earlier this year in April 'Big O' was (and this might be hard to believe) at a family BBQ chowing down. He was like, "OH MAN, these ribs is hot. Om nom nom". Reports then say that there was a family argument involving Oliver and his Girlfriend's brother. I imagine his girlfriend's brother was like, "Yo Dunkin (a stab at his playing days nickname 'Dunkin-Donuts' issued for obvious reasons), can you pass me them greens over there?"
Miller responded - "Say what? Oh nah, you did not just call me Dunkin bruh. How about this, I'ma dunk yo face in that sweet sauce right therrr then I'ma dunk yo face in that ant hill over therrr."
A very heated and passionate argument ensued where Jason plead with Oliver to watch his weight because he was genuinely worried about his health and his ability to watch over and take care of his sister let alone their future posterity. Oliver followed Jason home, continually challenging him to a game of HORSE in order to settle the argument once and for all - that his size was an attribute and skill that enhanced his game rather than a negative barricade that prevented Oliver from reaching his full potential as a player.
When Jason refused to play for the last time and began to enter his house... that's when it all went downhill for everyone. In a fit of uncanny blood-rage, The Big O lifted his stomach to reveal a concealed and illegally possessed handgun. Like lightning he struck - pistol whipping Jason in the head and face repeatedly and then fled the scene to a nearby corner store where bought beer and pork rinds to snack on while he awaited his arrest.
Some real facts now - He really did pistol whip his girlfriend's brother after an argument at a family BBQ - Jason needed 11 staples after the assault. Oliver Miller did indeed plead guilty to the assault and to illegally carrying a firearm. The max his sentence could give is 25 years in prison, but most peeps seem to think he'll spend between 3 to 9 years in jail given the fact that Oliver's record was clean until this incident.
We should have seen this coming - Big O had a temper
You see how he went for the chair? This is something to pay attention to, we should all be weary of those who go for a chair during a scuffle. We're looking at you Nenad.
Anyways. It's too bad about Oliver Miller and it's too bad we continue to hear these troubling stories about pro-athletes and their run-ins with the law.
In other news, you might have heard Steve Nash launched his own line of Indochino suits this past week. Sharp suits, and affordable - 500 bones for a brand name Steve Nash suit is a great buy in my opinion... not something that fits my budget at the moment but if I had the means to buy nice suits I'd get a Steve Nash.
Oh yeah - Nash also stated the obvious in an intellectual manner as usual regarding the lockout. Supposedly this is headline news today and stuff. Whatever.
"You have two wealthy sides arguing over percentage points," Nash said. "It's hard for fans to understand that this is a business. I don't blame them. If I were in their shoes, I'd be critical, frustrated or even angry. You just want to see the game you love. Both sides are arguing for inevitably selfish reasons, but also for what's right when they are gone. It's a big mess." READ MORE
Have you looked at your roll of toilet paper lately? The hole has been widened. The diameter of the tube has been increased, so there's less paper, and more hole. The product looks the same from the outside, but you're getting less than you used to.
Have you noticed your cereal boxes? The height and width are the same, and Cap'n Crunch looks as dapper as ever, but they have lessened the depth. The product looks the same, but there are fewer sweet golden nuggets to crunch.
Have you taken a look at the bottom of your peanut butter jar recently? Skippy is as tall and as round as it's ever been, but the concaved underside is more indented than ever. It looks the same on the outside, but there's less nutty protein on the inside.
It seems like more and more of our products are getting clipped, or hollowed, or cheapened in some way to squeeze out another penny. What Japan did to the US, by making cheaper...well, everything, and Korea did to the Japan by undercutting them, and what China has now done to everybody, knocking off skimpier, flimsier, and sleazier... items, seems to have affected everyone's notion of turning out a "good" product. Let someone else do the research and development and invest all their hard work in inventing some widget, then imitate everything about it except the thing itself. Clip it, shrink it, make it out of pot metal, (paint it with lead paint, of course) and undercut the market by mass producing billions of the suckers.
I'm afraid the notion of the cheapening of products until they are virtually unrecognizable has struck the Phoenix leadership over the past couple of years. Instead of keeping the high flying, hard working ethic of the SUNS going, the leadership has turned out a watered down, lite version of our beloved SUNS. Oh, they've kept the masterful Steve Nash, so the product looks the same from the outside, but there's a huge hole right wherever Vince Carter is standing.
The package LOOKS the same from the outside, but it's dimpled in the bottom, and shallow in the back, and there's a great big hole right where we used to find a hard working heart. We used to have players that flung their bodies into the fray, floorburns away! Instead we have players who fling the ball from 40 feet away, screaming like little girls, not driving into the lane, not diving after the ball.
Sarver's greediness, to me anyway, seems to have turned our beloved SUNS into a cheap imitation of their former selves. --sigh--
A funny conversation between friends makes me realize just how much I am hurting for some basketball today...
E: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries’ marriage lasted 72 days. Too bad she didn’t marry the NBA lockout.
E2: I wish I could like this 10 times.
E: And even if that happened LeBron would still piss off everyone in Cleveland.
E2: And the Heat would still be fined…over and over and over.
E: And Robert Sarver would still be a cheap ass *****!
S: And Mark Cuban would still be a *****bag.
E: And Mike D’Antoni would still say “Defense? Don't bother, it’s not important.”
E: And Joe Johnson would still say “I can't believe I make 23 million dollars a year even though I'm at best a basic role player.” Wow, Atlanta is stupid.
S: Maybe it is a good thing the NBA isn’t active right now. Except that I don’t get to complain about these things on a daily basis!
E: Oh let's not forget...and Shaq would still ask Kobe how his ass tastes!
S: Maybe Kobe will change his name to "World War".
E: I miss basketball. I think I'm gonna go outside and take three steps without dribbling and not here a ref blow his whistle…just like the NBA.