sat·ire
[sat-ahyuhr]

-noun
1. the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.
2. a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.
3. a literary genre comprising such compositions.

ACT II

The sound of bouncing basketballs echoes off the walls of the Suns Annexus practice court.  Dan Majerle and other coaches hold a pre-draft workout. Up against a wall in a corner sit Lon Babby, Alvin Gentry and Lance Blanks.

 

Babby: "So whaddya think Alvin, eh?  Do you like these guys?"

Gentry: (lifting a page on a clipboard and cocking an eyebrow): "Uh, yeah I guess... I just have one question, where in the hell did you find these kids?  I don't have a single one of them in my notes.. and where is John Treloar - ?"

Babby: "Eh uh Alvin, listen to me good, these kids are the prime rib of all ribbery the savory seasoned salami that makes world go round - TRUST ME they're pros."

Gentry: "Riiight.. but I mean, did they go to college? Did you bring em' from overseas?"

Babby: "Alvin Alvin Alvin slow your role my man - me and Blanksy here we've got your back ain't that right Lance?"

Blanks: (Nods his head)

Babby: "For example take the one in the blue shorts there - "

Gentry: "The one with the shaved head and the tear-drop tattoos under his eyes?"

Babby: "Eh yeah yeah his name is Carlos..."

Enter Robert Sarver

Sarver: (Smiling wildly and pulling up a chair to join the group): "Like Carlos BOOZER Alvin... BOOZER!!! ...But minus the Booz- anyways, what do you think?!  He could be our new go-to PF!!?

Gentry: "Um he's definitely got some size... and he looks a little older...  but does he have any playing experience, like at the college level or maybe over in Eu--"

Blanks: "See Lon - I told you Alvin wasn't going to fall for this -

Sarver: "Zip the zipper Lance, your voice is like a small homeless child on the freeway asking for my spare change - that's why I leave my windows rolled up and avoid eye contact!  Take a hint."

(Blanks slowly sinks back in his seat and stares blankly across the gym)

Babby: "Look Alvin - Carlos is the real deal, I know some guys who knew some guys who might have some friends who knew Carlos when he was doing time... I mean working out at the State Prison gym... He killed this one scrub with a whittled-down cafeteria spoo- 

Sarver: "What Lon meant to say Alvin is that Carlos killed 'IT' - not a real person - with his um, dribble-drive like he was taking opponents to school for cafeteria food..."

(Awkward silence and long Pause - Gentry staring at Sarver as Sarver's eyes shift from side to side)

Gentry: "Where's John Treloar again?"

Sarver: "Oh is he the guy that brought the cool macaroni-art projects last time?  I hired him for my Bank to head my Arts-&-Crafts-Company-Morale-Boosting Department... he's on assignment today"

Gentry: "WHAT?! Bob you hired him first to be our head draft talent evaluator and THE DRAFT IS NEXT WEEK!"

Sarver: "It was Lance's fault..."

(Gentry looks over to Lance Blanks who is sitting fast asleep with his mouth wide open.  Gentry buries his face in his hands)

Babby: "Alvin... Aaaaaaaaalvin why so glum my man?  It's not like we're clueless, we've been working hard this offseason - did you hear we got Mickael Pietrus to come back and play with us next year!?  He's like the freezer to our otter-pop..."

Gentry: "Lon - he had a player option"

Sarver: "And just like he's got player options we've got Suns options Alvin!  Think about it - we could draft Carlos here, or we could draft one of those other guys the interwebs say we should draft... OR we could draft my good friend Benjamin... as in 3 MILLION DOLLARS CASH for our pick baby!"

Gentry: "Guys, guys - we've got a serious problem here, we have a lot of holes to fill and we have no time to waste - THE DRAFT IS IN LIKE A WEEK!"

(Babby glances over to Robert Sarver with a concerned glare - Sarver in turn looks at Lon - then at the ground - and nods his dead)

Babby: "Well Alvin we've got a secret to break to you.."

(Gentry puzzled)

Sarver: "Since Kerr and all his loud-mouth know-it-all buddies left we've decided to take a new direction with how our front office handles things.."

Babby: "One word: UNDERGROUND Alvin.  Underground.  As in hush hush - it's something I'm bringing back from my days running with Gotti and Lil'Rico, you talk - you lose more than a finger -

Sarver (Interrupting): "Eh anyways we didn't know if we could trust you because you have one of those tweeter things on your phone, we didn't know if you'd be a liability -"

Babby: "Yeah you know - leaking our plans all over the internet to the enemy and whatnot"

Sarver: "So we went to the one person who we all know can hide any and everything from the media and even the general public.  Robin Lopez."

Gentry: "PSYCHLO!?

Babby: "The kid is brilliant AG - absolutely brilliant, he's like Einstein's twin if you mixed him with a Lassie/Old Yeller cross-breed.  He knows his stuff and he's been holding top-secret workouts with many of the top projected lottery picks"

Gentry (Absolutely Bewildered): "You mean like actual college players and such?"

Sarver: "We're talking Tristan Thompson, Alec Burks, Jimmer Fredette - Kenneth Faried, Jordan Hamilton...:

Babby: "Guys that might actually help this team going forward!  You see Alvin!  Turn that frown upside-down!  We've got the Sun, the Moon...

Gentry: "AND ROBIN LOPEZ RUNNING MY IMPORTANT PRE-DRAFT WORKOUTS!?!!?  WTF!?  Does he at least have some notes or a report I can take a look at?

Sarver: "OH DOES HE?!  (Begins to smile giddily again)  Show him the goods Lon!"

(Babby reaches into a hidden pocket in his vest - retrieves a small key and unlocks a briefcase at his side.  He opens the case and passes to Gentry a book that resembles a sketch pad)

Gentry: "What in the world is this?"

Babby: "Behold!  The holy grail of pre-draft evaluations!"

(Gentry thumbs through the book and sees sketch after sketch of draft-prospects suited in DC Comic superhero garb.  Below each picture is a small paragraph written in a language that appears to be Wookie.)

Gentry: "We're screwed. Bob, Lon, I want John Treloar back here.  NOW."

 

 

Lights dim - the echoes of bouncing basketballs fade..  end of Act II

 

Poll
Where should the next Act of our production take place!?

  137 votes | Results


Knowing he likely would not get a better offer in free agency, Mickael Pietrus picked up his $5.3 million option for 2011-12 on Monday. This has been widely expected since the Suns acquired Pietrus...

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Suns' Pietrus Picks Up Option; Agent Expects Draft-Day Trade

(Agent Bill) McCandless said he and Pietrus are aware of the possibility of a Suns trade to better balance their roster.

"I'll be surprised if Lon (Babby, Suns president of basketball operations) doesn't make a couple deals on draft day or later," McCandless said. "If you have a surplus in one position and a need in another, guess what?"


Congrats, Trix!!

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks and their fans for beating the Miami Heat and winning the 2011 NBA Finals. We can only imagine the thrill (because the Suns are the oldest NBA franchise never to win an NBA title so all we have is our imagination and vicarious living through others). 

There's a gazillion different angles to discuss on the day after Game 6. LeBron James choking and the entire debate about his place in history. The "stars vs. team" battle and how that played out between the Heat and Mavericks. Jason Terry backing up his big mouth. The massive amount of payroll Mark Cuban has taken on over the years to get his team here. And of course, the joy Shawn Marion is feeling right about now.

The one thing I keep coming back to though, is the divergent paths taken by Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash since the two parted ways in 2004.

Dirk is an NBA Champion today while Nash has spent the entire postseason traveling with his new girlfriend and taking in the sites from Jamaica to Vancouver to Miami to Boston. While Steve is surely having fun playing Find Waldo, there's little doubt where he would rather be right now -- nursing a hangover after a night of celebrating an NBA Title. 

So what happened? Where did things go wrong for Steve when they finally went right for his buddy Dirk? 

Here's a few ideas to vote on, but by all means do what you do and leave some insightful comments.

Poll
Why does Dirk Nowitzki have a ring and Steve Nash doesn't?

  2180 votes | Results


Worst 13th Picks in NBA History

Mr. Scott Howard gives us a list of a bunch of guys you've never heard of. In other words, the floor for the 13th pick is in the basement while the ceiling is Kobe Bryant. #CrapShoot


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