In this Epic Rap Battles of History spoof (can you actually spoof a... spoof?) Rollin Mason and I duel over the state of the Phoenix Suns offseason moves (or lack thereof). Rollin takes the side of extolling the team's successes while I, with my sunny disposition, rail against the failures. Just like the real ERB this is rated PG-13.
Whether you like them or not most of you have probably seen at least one edition of Epic Rap Battles of History.
The series has over 10 million subscribers on the YouTube channel and has achieved more than 1 billion total views. Each of the videos averages about 30 million views. If you haven't seen one of them I suggest taking a look before proceeding to the rap battle below to help you further enjoy the duel.
The rap battle subject is the Suns offseason. Rollin takes the positive and I take the negative.
The content below is rated PG-13 for mild profanity.
**EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!**
Rollin Mason vs. Jim Coughenour!
Just like your name Rollin, the Suns have been laying bricks
With player relations because they're acting like dicks
Channing Frye left with animosity and snark
I'm pretty sure he hopes the Suns get bit by a shark
The Suns must not care much about DUI prevention
Mailing Super X his paychecks while he's stuck on home detention
Seeing that they knew what happened made it quite a shock
When they gave him $16 million to pay for his ignition interlock
There may have been an overestimation with McD
Because this summer he's pulled off as many trades as me
On draft night he just wasn't able to perform
We'll have to ask his new fiance whether that's the norm
There was talk about spending money, there was talk about being bold
Of course that didn't happen, the lip service is getting old
After the empty promises Sarver should expect whiplash
Since his mouth is writing checks that his ass can't cash
The botched contract situation has left Robert instigating
in the media where he has been shamelessly negotiating
The express lane to ruin must be pretty damn frustrating
Just like you feel in this rap battle 'cause I'm fucking regulating
The Suns offseason is a failure, don't even try to defend it
Or I'll repackage this ass whipping I just laid on you and resend it
Cokedog, stop spewing that smog
It's a sunny day here on the Bright Side blog
With all your bitching I'm begging you please
Take your head out your ass and see the forest for the trees
LeBron James ain't walking through that door
So wipe those tears from your face and pick your lip off the floor
IT gonna drop 3's and bring suckas to their knees
When he smokes them like Beasley in a house made of weed
He'll hit you quick like my rhymes and rock your soul like a power ballad
And he technically was traded (so your 10th line is invalid)
Channing Frye does his thing when he's stretching the floor
But would YOU wanna pay that fool when he's 34?
EB wants that scrilla but he's a stone cold killa
He'll be thrillin' muthafuckas like Ali in Manila
As for Warren, they'll need to start a commission
To investigate how this kid is so bitchin'
Like magic bullets and grassy knolls
This kid is the truth and the truth must be told
I know you got that prime vernacular
But you're gonna need to work on your cardiovascular
To keep up with me, cause I'm a disciple of McD
Planting the seeds for my dynasty
Seriously Rollin, is that all you got?
Your rhyming was less coherent than a Plumlee hook shot
And they don't even have anyone to back up Miles
Since last year's number five pick seems to break bones when he smiles
Not even the Kings wanted the Suns new joy and pride
They said to tell him he must be this tall to ride the ride
And now it looks like Bledsoe just might take the one year deal
The Phoenix Suns are less attractive than a roulette wheel
This entire franchise is just going down in flames
You can get a college degree in between Suns playoff games
But you won't need one since I'm already taking you back to school
So pay close attention and learn how to rap duel
They've made it so the fans in Phoenix just don't give a damn
Now I'll finish this shit off with an Al McCoy Shazam!
Pass the mic, Jim ... go get yourself a beer
I haven't vomited like that since Vinsanity was here
Get a couple shots too, cause this shit is going on
I'm like a dozen German Shepherds droppin' doobers on your lawn
Better watch your pasty ass when you talkin' about IT
Cause he knows hesitation dribbles, tae kwon do and tai chi
He's the fastest in the West at delivering pizza
And who the fuck did you expect? (don't say Trevor Ariza)
McPimpin' Dat Asset sitting proudly on his throne
Renouncing Satan just like Michael Corleone
Cause it's all in the game when you're building a contender
Gotta take a few steps back to appreciate the splendor
We're itching for that championship, hey man I know how it be
But you sound like Nancy Kerrigan, clutching at her knee
I got that PMA, and I'm blowing up the tracks
And like my man Bob Dylan, I ain't never lookin' back