I believe it was Leiland Tanner, AKA Eutychus who used to do these back in the day, but since he has restricted himself to rare cameo appearances I stole his Kool-Aid and made like a jealous ex, stalking all your favorite Suns' social media pages to find out what they've been up to over the past four months.
Oh blessed thee, glorious social media. You're a window to the souls of everyone who uses thee, you're the tarot cards for every story in which we struggle to fill the blanks. You complete us.
As we near the dawn of training camp, allow me to put on my stalker cap (replete with a Groucho Marks fake glasses, nose and mustache combo) and share with you all the glorious findings of your Phoenix Suns and their respective summer vacations. Read on.
Everyone's favorite dragon has had quite the busy summer, as usual for him. Of course he's balling it up with the always dapper Slovenian national team:
Slovenian national basketball team. @zoran_dragic @Edo_Muric @JakaBlazic @kzs_si @JakaKlobucar @ #junaki pic.twitter.com/AUYVoYSMMO
— Goran Dragic (@Goran_Dragic) September 1, 2014
That's Gogi doing the James Bond pose at the bar, back center. The Slovenians had a good run during the FIBA World Cup but were upended by the Americans yesterday.
Of course the classiest of Slovenians get the classiest sponsorships:
Thanks to my sponsor #BMWMakoma for a great wedding ride #RollsRoyce pic.twitter.com/udu3Td6M7K
— Goran Dragic (@Goran_Dragic) August 26, 2014
He managed to find time to catch up with his former Bench Mob backcourt mate:
Brazilian national team in Ljubljana !!! What a great guys !!! @TheBlurBarbosa pic.twitter.com/sX1GLrU0EJ
— Goran Dragic (@Goran_Dragic) August 23, 2014
And his topless former mentor:
3 generations of PGs: @SteveNash @Goran_Dragic and selfie's author Matic Rebec pic.twitter.com/18qKj3I6Ev
— Luka Bassin (@LukaBassin) July 24, 2014
A damn fine summer for the Dragon by the looks of it.
The Suns' rookie point guard has yet to officially begin his NBA career, but is already getting started at giving back to his hometown community in Toronto, eh.
Excited to announce that I have started my own AAU program in Toronto. Tyler Ennis Team Jordan Brand!
— Tyler Ennis (@tdot_ennis) September 4, 2014
Hey the last time the Suns there drafted a point guard from Canada it didn't work out to bad, donchaknow? He also got to throw out the first pitch for a Blue Jays game, oh you betcha!
Thanks to Brampton's @tdot_ennis of the @Suns for throwing out tonight's first pitch! pic.twitter.com/K1d7GRI2X9
— Blue Jays-Official (@BlueJays) August 25, 2014
And he just turned 20 years old, for Pete's sake.
Birthday in an hour... #20
— Tyler Ennis (@tdot_ennis) August 24, 2014
The Mongoose also just turned 20 years old..
Such a blessing to see 20 years. Thanks for all the Birthday Wishes. Much appreciated !! #BURR http://t.co/8AJ6asWYlk
— Archie Goodwin (@A1Laflare10) August 17, 2014
And we all know growing boys love their grub:
Somebody cooking breakfast or no
— Archie Goodwin (@A1Laflare10) August 7, 2014
These young kids never go anywhere without their backpacks. Not even to Summer League.
RT @NBA: Check out Archie Goodwin's @suns-inspired backpack (via nba snapchat) #NBASummer pic.twitter.com/t609x8cmXW
— Archie Goodwin (@A1Laflare10) July 16, 2014
Saying goodbye must be a tough part of this business, especially for the young guns.
I'm Really going to miss @Channing_Frye next year but I am still very happy for him
— Archie Goodwin (@A1Laflare10) July 7, 2014
But just cause the boy is young doesn't mean he can't give some sage advice:
Don't let these women trick you. 9.975/10 the don't look like they do on IG
— Archie Goodwin (@A1Laflare10) June 5, 2014
He also has some legit work ethic, busting it on the court during rookie workouts.
Wait, @A1Laflare10 ran 28 court lengths in 3 minutes today? I'm exhausted just reading about that.
— Jacob Padilla (@JacobPadilla_) May 31, 2014
Plus he gets bonus points for giving my boy Omaha a RT.
The Mo Bros
Our favorite twins recently embarked on what I can only assume was a vigilante crime-fighting expedition:
Late night run.. #FOE pic.twitter.com/rFcOhjB0Au
— Marcus Morris (@MookMorris2) September 8, 2014
They allowed ESPN voters to pick their next tattoo, given the choice between dogs, Grandma, and FOE.
YOU GUYS. @Keefmorris & @MookMorris2 are LETTING US PICK THEIR NEXT TATTOO. (!!!!!!!) Place your votes!! #FanSourced pic.twitter.com/FnwGD5K8po
— ESPN The Magazine (@ESPNMag) August 26, 2014
I don't know if the polls have closed and frankly I don't care. I'm still hurt that my write-in candidate -- a tattoo of me making a weird face -- received no consideration.Who says no to a mug like this?
Anyway, the twins also held a back-to-school backpack giveaway in their hometown of Philadelphia.
How R the @Suns giving back this off season? @Keefmorris @MookMorris2 host #FOE Backpack Giveaway in their hometown! pic.twitter.com/GxgUDWuFpF
— Suns Community (@SunsCommunity) August 15, 2014
Mook is looking forward to making the playoffs and getting freaky...
This is how I'm gonna be when we make the playoffs next year!!!! lil guy to funny #teamfoe https://t.co/mYoEt0QS3L
— Marcus Morris (@MookMorris2) June 26, 2014
For the most part it looks like they were all business this offseason, sweating it out in Phoenix and getting ready for the season. And Twitter confirms all over again that these twins might as well be of the Siamese variety. Never separated.
FOExTSM = greatness pic.twitter.com/8glatb4WYX
— Marcus Morris (@MookMorris2) August 29, 2014
The Plumster did some outreach work in China...
Basketball clinic w/ the Shanghai vocational school for the deaf. These kids are truly amazing and… http://t.co/fLDsU6VryH
— Miles Plumlee (@milesplumlee13) August 14, 2014
Apparently walked out on a Dave Attell show, and got called out for it...
That awkward moment when Dave Attell calls you and your brother out for leaving the comedy… http://t.co/DvraYzLeVT
— Miles Plumlee (@milesplumlee13) August 8, 2014
Took some time to troll Archie on Instagram...
And appeared in the background of an episode of Parks and Recreation. Oh that Miles...
Watching @parksandrecnbc and spotted a certain @Suns center in the background... @milesplumlee13 #multitalented pic.twitter.com/DLtZL3hclU
— Daniel Chelgren (@DanChelgren) July 14, 2014
The A-Train had a rather poignant take on the Atlanta ownership fallout...
Donald Sterling has NBA owners snitching on themselves! Trying to cash out like he did! #idontblameyou #sterlingspunishmentwas2billion$
— Anthony Tolliver (@ATolliver44) September 7, 2014
Has had some difficultly adapting to the idiosyncrasies of the desert...
I wash both my cars today and it's pouring... In the desert smh
— Anthony Tolliver (@ATolliver44) September 7, 2014
Joined Al McCoy to speak at Central High School...
.@ATolliver44 speaks 2 students @ Central HS "Set goals & set them high because it's possible 2 achieve those goals." pic.twitter.com/rMp30P7wUa
— Suns Community (@SunsCommunity) September 5, 2014
Had a practical problem while still in Charlotte...
I need someone that lives near uptown Charlotte that can rebound for me! Ill be here for like 3 more weeks!
— Anthony Tolliver (@ATolliver44) August 3, 2014
And apparently has a custom-made Suns onesie (Sunsie?) for his son, which is pretty damn adorable.
Phoenix Suns Anthony Tolliver @ATolliver44 has some fun with his son during a basketball camp in Springfield. pic.twitter.com/zOeQ5UiHCc
— Nathan Papes (@NPapes) July 22, 2014
The other new Sun had some fun back home in Washington with the fam...
They havin fun... pic.twitter.com/3dc7rpzCfy
— Isaiah Thomas (@Isaiah_Thomas2) September 7, 2014
Did some working out with Floyd Mayweather...
Just got done running 5miles with the champ @FloydMayweather #TMT #LateNightEarlyMornings
— Isaiah Thomas (@Isaiah_Thomas2) September 3, 2014
Gave out 500 backpacks in Tacoma, WA...
#Tacoma Come support my 4th annual backpack giveaway Today 1-4pm @ Titlow Park... pic.twitter.com/Vpu5q2i8uv
— Isaiah Thomas (@Isaiah_Thomas2) August 30, 2014
Attended a Midnight Madness game in Seattle with Chris Paul, but was forced to sit out with his bum wrist...
Coach @Isaiah_Thomas2 and @Cp3 at last night's midnight madness game @seattleproam | VIDEO: http://t.co/pm0LtB59SB pic.twitter.com/gK9yWrVRKW
— Ballislife.com (@Ballislife) August 24, 2014
Worked on establishing his roots in Phoenix...
Any GREAT barbers out here in phx?? You see I didn't say GOOD I need a GREAT barber
— Isaiah Thomas (@Isaiah_Thomas2) September 10, 2014
Waxed nostalgic on fellow Huskie Brandon Roy...
Thinking about how Cold Brandon Roy was... If he didn't get injured he woulda went down as 1 of the best SGs to ever play the game #HomeTeam
— Isaiah Thomas (@Isaiah_Thomas2) August 19, 2014
Gave away another 300 backpacks in Phoenix...
Backpack giveaway & School Supply drive today!! pic.twitter.com/zGrsxl6VFF
— Isaiah Thomas (@Isaiah_Thomas2) August 13, 2014
Held his basketball camp in Sacramento, which surely must have been bittersweet...
Love! RT @Kings_6thMan: Loyalty Equals Love. @Isaiah_Thomas2 will always b a part of our Kings Family! #ForeverPurpIe pic.twitter.com/QYjOBWVba3
— Isaiah Thomas (@Isaiah_Thomas2) July 28, 2014
If you're not fond of Isaiah Thomas, I can only assume that your soul is filled with dookie. Just my personal opinion.
The Suns rookie continued to prove through his tweets that he isn't exactly the loquacious type...
To tell the truth I only kick it with a few people, if that.
— TJ Warren (@TonyWarrenJr) August 31, 2014
Watch the snakes, cause they watching you
— TJ Warren (@TonyWarrenJr) August 20, 2014
You need attention but it can’t be from me
— TJ Warren (@TonyWarrenJr) July 25, 2014
While also living up to his reputation as a workaholic...
Gym Gym Gym Gym Gym Gym
— TJ Warren (@TonyWarrenJr) August 13, 2014
And finding the time to challenge Elfrid Payton with this trick shot...
Whats up @elfrid, I'm challenging you to beat this trick shot https://t.co/XYJ460M9yr #hoopsrookie
— TJ Warren (@TonyWarrenJr) August 3, 2014
Who says the dude doesn't have range? Even better, he seems quick to embrace his new employer.
Draft hat still on
— TJ Warren (@TonyWarrenJr) June 27, 2014
Phoenix is amazing!
— TJ Warren (@TonyWarrenJr) June 29, 2014
That about wraps it up ... tune in next week to find out what I found after rummaging through the garbage cans out front of these guys' houses. You wouldn't believe what these guys just throw out!
Also, a quick memo to Gerald Green, Alex Len and Shavlik Randolph: Start tweeting dudes! Bunch of commies...