A Few Good Players (A Sit-Down with Mr. Sarver)

A Few Good Players
Sadly adapted from the Aaron Sorkin screenplay


Sarver: You want players?
Sun’s Fans: We think we’re entitled to them.
Sarver: You want players?
Sun’s Fans: We want the talent!

Sarver: You can't handle the talent! Boys and girls, we live in a world that has David Stern. And Stern says the talent has to be guarded by agents with bargaining power and 2 hour “decision” specials. Who's gonna guard it? You? Rosterbation Nation? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Stoudemire and you curse Vince Carter. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that STAT’s departure, while tragic, probably saved you from shooting yourself in the head after another Suns’ failed playoff run. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves heartbreak, pain, and excessive alcoholism...You don't want the talent. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about on BSOTS, you want Stern making arbitrary decisions regarding the few good players. You need men like Stern and me in your world!

We use words like salary cap, trade exemption, free agency, and revenue sharing...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent plundering small-market teams’ talent to prop-up the major markets. You use 'em as a punchline on sports blogs. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to rabble that rise and sleep watching a basketball team that I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pack up your bags, move to Sacramento and cheer for the Kings. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

Sun’s Fans: Did you order the Sun’s mediocrity?!?
Sarver: (quietly) I did the job Stern sent me to do.
Sun’s Fans: Did you order the Sun’s mediocrity?
Sarver: You're goddamn right I did!!


Sun’s Fans: Does this mean we aren’t getting Dwight Howard at the trade deadline?
Sarver: Damn Skippy…

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